


No More Pretending

by angelus2hot



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Community: happy_trekmas, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 01:29:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3099953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelus2hot/pseuds/angelus2hot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes almost losing Captain Kirk for Spock to realize what he should have had all along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No More Pretending

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** No More Pretending  
>  **Fandom:** Star Trek  
>  **Characters/Pairing:** Kirk/Spock  
>  **Rating:** PG-13  
>  **Word Count:** 1,118  
>  **Summary:** It takes almost losing Captain Kirk for Spock to realize what he should have had all along.  
>  **A/N:** written for pearlieblue for happy_trekmas

_Red Alert! Red Alert!_

The warning rang out through the Enterprise as Captain Kirk rushed out of the turbo lift. He had been on his way to grab a bite to eat when the alert had activated. “What is it?”

“Unknown, Captain. It’s not any known race in the computer database. High levels of an unk... Brace for impact!” Spock yelled as the ship lurched to the other side. Another blast rocked the ship, tossing him against the computer.

“Any luck with communications?”

The Lieutenant shook her head. “I’m sorry, Captain. There’s been no response on any frequency.”

There was no way Kirk was going to stand there and calmly let some unknown thing take pot shots at his ship! “Fire photon torpedoes!”

It happened so fast no one could believe his or her eyes. One minute Captain Kirk was standing there giving orders and the next his body crumpled like a marionette doll with the lines cut and he fell to the floor, his eyes glazed and lifeless.

Lieutenant Uhura screamed as everyone on the bridge yelled “Captain!” in unison.

No one noticed the other ship had ceased fire, all of their attention was focused solely on the loss of their captain.

“Alert sickbay we will need two...”

Spock didn’t take his eyes off the captain’s body as he interrupted, “Belay that order.” He wasn’t about to let anyone else carry James Kirk. It was something he had to do. He bent down and lifted the captain into his arms. Cradling the captain against his chest and without a word or backward glance he walked into the turbo lift.

 

Spock sat quietly beside the captain, his thoughts in turmoil. There was a time when he had been determined to bury every last human emotion in his body, bury it deep down inside of him and pretend it never existed. But now staring at the Captain lying so still and knowing he would never again hear his voice or see his face light up with the joy of living; Spock felt his emotions rush to the forefront of his being but he didn’t try to stop it, in fact he welcomed them. Sorrow, regret, anger all warred for dominance but it was the rage that won out. It burned through his veins almost consuming him. 

“Spock?” The doctor’s voice was soft and low as he sat down in the chair beside the Vulcan.

Spock didn’t say a word, he couldn’t. His grief was choking him.

Doctor McCoy looked at Spock with sadness in his eyes. “I think you should...”

“I do not wish to have this conversation, Doctor. Leave me.”

Despite the circumstances the good doctor bristled. “You’re not the only one who lost him, you know. Jim was...” He was already to continue, to let the man have a piece of his mind, but he got a good look at Spock as he turned towards him; and at the look of raw pain on the Vulcan’s face Bones stopped talking and looked the other way. _If he couldn’t stand to look at that kind of agony what must it feel like to endure it?_ Bones shuddered at the thought. It didn’t occur to him to wonder why Spock felt the Captain’s loss so much greater than the rest of the crew, himself included, he only knew Spock did.

“What do you want?” Spock really didn’t care. He just wanted the doctor to go away and leave him alone with his captain and his misery. _Maybe if he heard the doctor out he would go away._

“We have to...”

Before he could finish speaking Spock interrupted.

“No! We do not.”

Bones closed his eyes as if in a prayer for strength. “You need to...”

Spock narrowed his eyes and glared at Bones. He knew exactly what the doctor was trying to tell him. That he needed to let the Captain go, to say goodbye but he wasn’t ready. He would never be ready. “There is only one thing I needed and it has been taken away from me so now I only want one thing.” At the confused look on the doctor’s face Spock added, “Vengeance.”

Years he had wasted on hiding his true feelings, denying himself the thing he wanted most out of a sense of loyalty to his father’s race. And now it was too late for him. There would be no second chance at happiness or joy and no comfort to be had. He would be in this cold existence for the rest of his life. Vengeance would be his only solace.

He could feel the dark emotion taking him over, he was becoming the very thing he had fought so hard to deny.

Doctor McCoy was shocked at the hardness in Spock’s tone. Vulcan’s were logical creatures not ruled by their emotions but obviously that wasn’t the case with Spock now. He opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it. There was really nothing he could say or do to make it any better. “I’ll give you a little while longer with...” He cleared his throat as he stood...

“Mr. Spock?”

_Why couldn’t he be left alone in peace?_ Spock leaned over and hit the button on the comm with more force than was absolutely necessary. “Spock here.”

“Mr. Spock, the alien vessel is signaling.”

“I’m on my way. Spock out.” He glanced at Bones. “Would you care to...?”

Without a word Bones nodded as he followed Spock out of the captain’s quarters. 

 

Within moments of walking onto the bridge, Spock was facing the alien creature on the screen. He began to speak without preamble as the rage began to simmer to a low boil. This was the thing responsible for the grief he was currently... It was responsible for his almost unbearable emotions rising to the forefront of his being. “You have caused the loss of the Captain of the Enterprise. We can not let....”

The alien male’s small black horns twitched as he raised his hands in supplication and rushed to assure Spock of their sincerity. “We did not mean harm to come to the one you call Captain. We were only curious as to why your ship had wondered so far into our space without invitation. We didn’t realize our scans would be detrimental to your ship or that you would see it as an attack. The blast from your weapons caused our youngest to... panic and he pushed the button he shouldn’t have.” His face pulled into a grimace as if he was embarrassed to admit it. “We regret any inconvenience this has caused.”

“Inconvenience?” Bones’ eyes widened. “Look you black horned... You killed the...” The sound of Spock softly calling his name was the only thing that stopped him.

Not a flicker of emotion showed on Spock’s face as he stared at the alien in front of him. _Was the alien speaking the truth?_ A part of him, the emotional part didn’t care he wanted to hurt the alien in front of him, to claim his vengeance and make him feel the agony he was in. But the other part, the logical part knew it would solve nothing. It wouldn’t bring his captain back.

“Killed?” The male’s eyes widened. “No. We have killed no one. We are a peaceful species incapable of...”

“Yeah, you’re peaceful alright. Captain Kirk is proof of that.” Sarcasm dripped from Doctor McCoy’s lips as he glared at the screen.

A huge sigh escaped the alien as he turned his focus towards Spock. “We did not kill anyone.” He spoke the words slowly as if willing Spock to believe him. “Your captain is not dead. He is merely...”

“What?” The word was whispered in unison by all present except for Spock. He stood silent trying to hide the feeling of hope that had begun to flicker to life deep in his chest.

“Your captain is not dead.” The alien repeated his words. “We did not wish to harm him. But we could not allow him to hurt us either. He is merely in stasis. You only have to leave our space for him to awake.”

“Know this. If you lie, if we leave this place and my Captain isn’t restored fully, I will return. I will hunt you. There is no place in this vast universe where you can hide, I will find you. And you will pay.”

Everyone on the bridge stood in stunned silence at Spock’s words. Not one of them doubted he meant every single word he had said. 

The alien’s eyes widened at the implied threat. “Now see here, there is no need for the threat of violence.” _What was wrong with this race? Did they not realize that with one push of a button they could be as their captain?_ "I can promise you your captain is fine, or he will be as soon as you leave. If it will convince you of our sincerity we will stay here until you have signaled us. We will await your decision.” The view screen had almost faded when the alien appeared again. “I deeply regret we could not have met under friendlier circumstances. Perhaps one day when your species has grown past its violent stages we could try again.” Without waiting for a response the screen turned black.

If his reaction as part Vulcan was anything to go by Spock was positive it would be a very long time before they would encounter those particular aliens again. He turned towards the helmsman. It was time to see if the alien had been telling the truth. “Mr. Sulu, turn us around, take us out of here at the best possible speed.” He walked hurriedly towards the turbo lift, the doctor hot on his heels. He wanted to be with the captain when he awoke. “Mr. Scott, you have the comm.”

 

 

Two hours later the Enterprise had left the alien’s space behind them. With a deep gasp Captain Kirk’s chest began to rise and fall as his eyes flew open with a look almost kin to panic in their depths that he quickly concealed. “The ship?"

“The Enterprise is fine. There were no casualties. Other than you.” Bones couldn’t resist teasing.

Spock quickly interrupted. “But you weren’t dead, Captain. You were merely in stasis.” His tone belied the agony he had gone through earlier as he finished filling Kirk in on all that had happened.

Captain Kirk nodded his head as he sat up. “I see.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. It wasn’t everyday one learned he had been dead... even if it was just in stasis.

For some reason Spock couldn’t keep quiet. “The doctor wanted to shoot you out of an air lock.”

His eyes widened as he turned his head. “Bones?”

With a sheepish look Bones began to stutter. “I... well.. I...” He cleared his throat and glared at Spock. “In my defense I thought you were dead.” 

“Yes, well. It’s a good thing Spock didn’t listen.” With a look of confusion on his face Kirk turned to look at Spock. “Why didn’t you listen, Spock? There are rules for that sort of thing. Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled you didn’t but it’s certainly not like you to go against protocol. So why now?” Kirk’s heart beat faster in his chest as he waited for Spock to answer.

Silence reigned as Kirk and Spock stared into each other’s eyes. 

Taking it as his cue to leave, the doctor stood and walked out of the captain’s quarters without saying a word.

Spock was tempted to ignore his question and pretend everything was normal. They could go back to the way things were before all of this had happened and he could pretend... But he was sick of pretending. He didn’t want to ever feel the regret that had almost crippled him again.

“Why couldn’t you let me go?” Kirk’s voice was soft and full of burning curiosity.

“I’m a Vulcan and Vulcans do not and should not lose control of their emotions but because of you I feel things I shouldn’t.” Spock took a deep breath before he finally whispered, “Because you mean more to me than you could possibly know.” 

It wasn’t those three little words everyone goes on about but he knew an admission of love when he heard one. A slow sensual smile began to slide across Kirk’s face. This is what he had been waiting years for. He swung his legs off the side of his bed and slid down until their knees were touching, his fingers gently grazed the tips of Spock’s fingers as he softly whispered, “That makes two of us.”


End file.
